Waiting…and Wondering

Day 17,627 (Or 48 Years, 3 Months and 3 Days) – Time spent here on Earth.

Well that sounded kind of weird, but I guess that works for me. 17,000+ days. And what have I accomplished in that time? I have three grown children making their own way through life, two grandchildren with one more on the way through Jennifer. And…when you look at things like that, is there really that much more that I have accomplished? Right now I honestly don’t know. It would be rather easy to say that I have failed at pretty much everything that I have tried. Yet I could also say that I have failed because I haven’t found that one thing that I am good at. Sometimes I don’t know which side to listen to so I go from one side to the other.

So where do I go from here? It feels so much like that I am coming to the end of something, just what that something is I do not know. Having dealt with the recent failures of my past, I can only move forward. I suppose that I don’t have to move forward, but the past is just that – there is nothing there for me now. The future is both bright and foreboding, a new adventure and a great mystery. How the hell I find myself here is such a long and winding story, but here I am, now, with no discernible direction to follow. A strange place for me to be in since I like knowing what I am doing and where I am going. Right now I just seem to exist.

So for now I just do what I know to do and keep looking for what I am supposed to find, if there is something there to find.

And another twelve minutes have gone by. Am I any closer now? We will just have to wait and see.

Trying Something New…Or Something Like That

The past few months have been quite the adventure, if one wants to call it that. Among the more trying issues have been the loss of transport which made my summer a whole lot hotter, but those two mile walks also gave me opportunity to reflect on some things, and necessitated changes in others. Not being as mobile meant that some things I took for granted (like impromptu trips out of town) were no longer possible. Even routine activities like getting food, paying bills  and getting other essential supplies required that I adjust my time and where I shopped accordingly. Obviously, it meant that I had to carry around a lot less then what I used to. Some items simply had to be left at home and only those things that were absolutely essential were brought along. Even the stamina to get from one place to another on foot had to be increased if I was to get these things done. That is not to say that I didn’t have help. Between family and friends there were (and are) constant offers to help, but they have their own lives as well, their own families to take care, their own needs to meet and I just don’t feel that such support should be taken advantage of. Besides, I tend to be a bit more independent and would rather try to get things done myself. I get to listen to a lot more books and music now and the walks have been good for me physically. In fact it’s funny how people talk about the walking I might do as some great hardship yet they do about the same and more at the walking track. All a matter of context I guess. I am alright with it though, and it all works out for the most part.

Getting back to the idea of letting loose of some of the unnecessary things, I was reading a post by Julien Smith entitled “The Brief Guide to Sucking at Life” (http://inoveryourhead.net/the-brief-guide-to-sucking-at-life/) when I came across a link to another site called The Mnimalists (http://www.theminimalists.com/start/). This got my interest since, in a way, I had already started along that road but it never occurred to me that this could actually be a lifestyle. As I got to reading I became more and more interested in the concept what the authors Joshua Fields Millburn & Ryan Nicodemus were talking about. I then decided to follow up on the thoughts they presented and have begun their 21 day plan towards this new lifestyle, and why not? I have as much freedom as I could possibly have to trying something new at this stage of my life, plus some of the ideas coincide with a lot of my own feelings. Feelings that have put me at odds with general beliefs and lifestyles. And now to see that maybe my ideas aren’t as far fetched as I seemed. Well, maybe they are, but at least now I know there are others with similar ideas.

I have never been one to post a whole lot about my personal life online. Actually, I have never been one to tell anyone a whole lot about my personal life but for whatever reason I just thought I would share what the next 21 days would be like. From what I have read so far the concept of the minimalist lifestyle seems to have a wide range of latitude and is determined by the person living in such manner. As the authors state, “The point is that minimalism is a tool to help you achieve freedom.” Such an idea may not be your cup of tea but the whole idea of simplicity appeals to me on so many different levels. Perhaps the next few days it may to you to as I document my journey into this lifestyle. I have no idea where this will lead but I already like where I am going and how I feel about it.

A Thought Or Two

With everything that is going on around me right now I thought I would take a couple of minutes to quickly post a thought or two. Not getting to work the sidelines this year as I have a second job as a karaoke dj at Rumors on Wednesday, Friday and Saturday nights, although most Saturdays are taken up by a live band which frees my night up. It has been an interesting experience for me. Even though the hours can wear on me at times I think what I like about it the most is the fact that it all resolves around music. Yeah, well maybe they don’t all that the best voices in the world but the whole point of the experience is to just have fun with it and we are getting more and more people who are doing just that. The number of people showing up is still a growing process but it is going up and that is a good thing for the business.

In other news Michael, Jennifer, Lincoln and Roman will be arriving in McAlester on Thursday. As busy as I am you can bet that I will be spending every chance I get with my grandchildren. Roman is only about three months old and this will be the first time that I get to hold him since he was born. They live in Maine right now so visiting is a little out of the question at the moment. His parents are there so that is why they are there. That and the fact that we was able to get some stable work. Can’t blame them for being there.

There is so much more that I would like to mention but the situations dictate I keep those to myself. In time I will be able to mention them but for now they are issues with resolutions in progress and I would rather not jinx anything by saying something right now. The end of the year may prove to be interesting somehow or another.

And that is all for now for me from McAlester, Oklahoma.

Thoughts on Japan

Yeah, I know, two weeks.  What can I say, I have been overly busy again between work and a new project.  Not to mention the old projects that I am trying to wrap up.  Still, you would think that I could take a couple of minutes to enter something here, right?

Of course all I can say is I just hope for the best for the people of Japan.  After one of the largest earthquakes in it’s history, not to mention one of the top ten earthquakes in histoy period, a tsunami that brought along more devastation, resulting in possibly catastrophic damage to several nuclear power plants, it is obvious why all eyes are on that nation now.  And if that wasn’t enough, a volcano has erupted there as well, requiring even more evacuations (at this time it is not known if the M8.9  and subsequent tremors had anything to do with that either but it is not outside the realm of possibility).  Number of souls lost will be in the tens of thousands although I have read elsewhere that the number could go over 100,000.  A horrendous situation.

As I have been watching all this from a technology point of view, one of the things that seems to stand out to me is the fact that while it seems that voice communication has failed at times, digital communications such as texting, and other sources such as Twitter and Facebook have continued on.  That was a surprise to me and I would like to investigate that further.  When I first started to play with Twitter and listened to the voices on how this was such a tool for emergencies like this my immediate response was ‘What good is it if the infrastructure goes down?’  If in fact digital communication continued while voice communication ceased, how could that be?  I would very much like to know what the redundencies were here and how their infrastructure was laid out.  After all, if a cell tower was knocked out here I have seen BOTH voice and data go bye bye.  Maybe that has changed now and it all passed me by.  (That wouldn’t be surprising since a lot of stuff has gone by and I never noticed.)  Before this weekend I always assumed that additional lines of communications should always be maintained should the phone system go down, such as amatuer radio and CB radio.  So now I have more of a desire to know what the differences were in Japan.

I have also noted the effect of these social networks and how the media is dealing with it.  There are differences now that are evident as the major news sources are using these social outlets to accumulate information.  This is a topic that could go on for a lengthy amount of time but I will just say that there is no doubt that social media and social networks are changing the face of news distriution and reporting.  And depending on who you ask, it is changing for better OR for worse.

And, oh yeah, March Madness and SXSWi are in progress.  Like I said, in comparison to what is happening in Japan these are a little down on the list of things to discuss, although I should have something to say about it later.

Back To Being

Yes, I know that it has been a long while since I have updated this blog.  A lot has gone on during that time but at least things are starting to straighten out in my head.  Now to continue moving forward.

I have been thinking about this site for a couple of weeks now and wondering what I was going to do with this outlet.  It seems like that I have so many other outlets that I am working on now that keeping track is a rather daunting task.  Still, I would like to continue what I started here and get back to some of the subjects that I like to work with. Photography, weather, family, just life in general.  The more personal stuff I will leave to other avenues unless there is a reason to make it public.

Tonight then is just a quick re-start in getting this blog going again.  More to come I am sure.  Tonight I do have some weather that I am watching coming out of the southwest and heading my direction.  Having started just under two hours ago it still is about another hour away and so far it seems like mainly heavy rain.  I have not seen or heard of any reports from this activity nor has anything been issued from the National Weather Service.  Perhaps we will get a badly needed dose of rain and some thunder for effect and no more. Going to stay up a little longer and monitor the situation.

So here we go, back to blogging again. Life still may not be easy but at least it is moving and right now that is the best that I can ask for.

An Early Start

All of the sudden I shot up out of bed, wondering why the alarm hadn’t gone off. Eyes wide open, heart pounding, I reach for my clock, only to find that it is a good hour away from the alarm going off. I sit there on the bed and decide that as long as I am awake I may as well get the day started. So I check Twitter, my email, and read over my favorite blogs. Then shower, dress and head into work. I was the last one out last night and I get to be the first one in office this morning.

As I was getting ready I was thinking about some things (not all work related) like:

1) Being in South Dakota and waking up to the dawn. I was reading a book about a Japanese airman’s account of the Midway Battle during WWII and remember that he wrote about leaving the carrier on some mission and being able to do so at something like 3am with the help of the dawn. At the time I read that I couldn’t imagine that as I had never seen the light of dawn arrive any earlier than 5am, maybe 4:30am. On this morning, though, I awoke to the dawn and was thinking how much I was enjoying my vacation and maybe start looking for a little breakfast. It was when I took a quick look at my watch that I suddenly realized I was still about 4 or 5 hours away as it was only 2:30am! That just blew me away! So THIS is what that writer was talking about! Turned out to be a very long day as I never did go back to sleep. Just continued to enjoy the slow approach of the day.

As I was getting ready I was thinking about some things (not all work related) like:1) Being in South Dakota and waking up to the dawn. I was reading a book about a Japanese airman’s account of the Midway Battle during WWII and remember that he wrote about leaving the carrier on some mission and being able to do so at something like 3am with the help of the dawn. At the time I read that I couldn’t imagine that as I had never seen the light of dawn arrive any earlier than 5am, maybe 4:30am. On this morning, though, I awoke to the dawn and was thinking how much I was enjoying my vacation and maybe start looking for a little breakfast. It was when I took a quick look at my watch that I suddenly realized I was still about 4 or 5 hours away as it was only 2:30am! That just blew me away! So THIS is what that writer was talking about! Turned out to be a very long day as I never did go back to sleep. Just continued to enjoy the slow approach of the day.

AND at the same time:

2) So what is it anyway, am I a night owl or early morning person? I have to admit that I don’t get up early as much as I should and how peaceful it is in the early morning hours when no one else is up and about. Then again, I do love staying up late at night as I do some great thinking then too. Personally, if I didn’t have to sleep at all then I would be able to enjoy the best of both worlds. I also wouldn’t have to worry about what I was missing while I was asleep!

So that is how today has started. Going to be a long one though as there are a ton of things that I need to do today. I already know not all of it is going to be completed but I am going to get as close as I can.

HAPPY HAPPY TUESDAY!!!

Not What I Want, Just What I Need

Well here I am again, another sleepless night with too much on my mind. I guess for some reason McAlester has been deemed worthy of receiving rain. That may be an exaggeration as it is more like mere sprinkles from the sky. Just another hint of stuff that winds up not working out as expected. That’s okay too since I am getting used to that. Slowly. True, I still get exasperated when things fail to reach the expectations that I was looking for but there really is something worthwhile to get out of it. Most times it seems like it is something trivial but I wind up making note of it and storing it away for future reference anyway. Somehow these little tidbits will make some other decision easier to make somewhere along the way in the future. For now, it still isn’t what I was looking for in the first place. Oh well, pick it up, store it and use it when the time comes.

Still, every now and then something worthwhile actually turns up that makes me stop and take notice. Something new I find out about myself. Some thought that was nothing but a bunch of words some months back that actually mean something now. Maybe some new changes in lifestyle for the better that someone has to tell me of before I notice.

I was thinking about such things Saturday night at my favorite hangout (it was either there or the office since the a/c wasn’t working for me at the house and hasn’t for the past week) when I realized just how far I have come since way back in February. Looking back on it now I wonder what I was thinking, or maybe more like why wasn’t I thinking at all. As if I have all the answers now. Whatever. It will probably be many more months before I can be more objective about it all before it makes any sense to me. Nor can I say that the external factors have gotten any better, perhaps in some ways some of them have gotten worse. I am just dealing with them a lot better now and doing what I can to work everything out. It’s not easy but it is what must be done.

Something else I have been thinking about is making adjustments to the activities I am involved with. There seems to be so much I am trying to do that nothing seems to get done like it should. But that isn’t just with the things that need to be done (at least there is a lot of progress there). For example even though I actually did a number of photo sessions with friends last month I just never got to do anything for me. As usual. Which by the way is something else I am trying to change.

Today I did get to take photos of my grandson. Hard to believe that he is almost 13 months old already! Yet it also seems like years ago that we were at the hospital to celebrate his arrival. That doesn’t seem to make any sense but I do understand it perfectly. Here is one of those shots:

He is so growing up. I had forgotten how fast the changes take place as my boss and I were talking about that subject in relation to our grandchildren as one of the other new mothers had brought in her newborn child and how small she was compared to ours. Fast.

Another thing I was thinking about was what I am going to continue to do with this blog. Again, doing so much but neglecting this site. I would like to do more with it, just undecided as to what direction to take it. I am thinking about making this not as personal as I have and apply it to something, just don’t know what. But that is something that I can take my time with before deciding what to do. After all, right now it is nothing but an outlet for me and maybe that’s all it needs to be. I don’t know yet but I think something will change eventually.

So that is where things are for now. Hoping that some other changes start to come together this week. That would be making a lot more progress and I am ready for it.

Weathering the Day

A long day is finally winding down. Besides the usual stuff that was going on yesterday in my life I was also keeping an eye on the forecasts that were being discussed about today. A high risk of severe thunderstorms. Tornadoes out and about. They were right. With severe weather beginning in west Oklahoma and a tornado near the town of Wakita (“Twister” anyone?) a number of tornadoes were produced throughout the afternoon, including a warning for McAlester (no touchdown though. Whew.). One started near Norman, Oklahoma and did not break apart until somewhere in western Arkansas.

As always, my Boss was concerned since her daughter was working in the Oklahoma City area. Another friend of mine has a daughter who is in the Norman area, an area that was hit by the long lasting tornado that I mentioned earlier. I was able to confirm that the location of the tornado wasn’t near her daughter, which brought some measure of comfort to my friend. Still, it came close to the National Weather Service office in Norman and a member of the Vortex II team studying tornadoes was able to see it (see http://www.patricktmarsh.com/2010/05/day-130-high-risk/ ). Unfortunately his home was also damaged by the storm.

Then, as the severe thunderstorm was bearing down on McAlester, we (I was with daughter and son-in-law) witnessed the usual falling apart of such storms as it moved in. Suddeny, my cell phone goes off with the message that a Tornado Warning was issued for McAlester, and moments later the sirens went off in town. Back to the computer I go to get all the details, and on goes the radio scanners to hear what was going on around me. Just four miles to the south of us we heard, but luckily it never touched down to my knowledge. What a day.

Still calming down from all this, it is kind of hard to turn my back on it again. It is still warm outside and the dewpoint is still at 68 with winds in the 20mph range. Is it likely that something will start back up? Probably not, but I am not taking chances this time. Won’t make that mistake again.

Such are the surprises of living in Oklahoma. Did I mention that I hate surprises?

Willing to Change?

Another week has gone by and more lessons are learned. Also, there is more about me that I did know but only now have gotten the motivation to do something about. There is a lot of work to do, but a lot of decisions as well. What are the distractions, the negatives, the things that keep me in the same mess as I always get myself in? Identifying some of those are relatively easy, others a little more difficult to see. Once the identification is made, however, the hard part now comes into play. Yes, this thing is bad for me, so what am I going to do about it? More importantly, WILL I do something about it?

Maybe I shouldn’t have spent so much time on the identifying part as there was a lot to find. A seemingly overwhelming amount of things that need to change. Too much to change all at once so I will try to make simple and/or individual changes rather than attack everything at the same time. Time to give up the smoking. I have already started walking whenever I can. Keep dealing with the financial issues by restricting more of my less necessary activities. Oh yeah, and dealing with her. Actually, that became two fold over the past week as I was told from a friend that they had heard some negative comments coming from another person I used to be with. That friend wasn’t able to get any details but it was still a bit of a surprise for me.

Really, it shouldn’t have been. This is a small town after all and it was only a matter of time before her friends and mine crossed paths. That it took this long (a little over two years since we broke up) either speaks to the way that I have managed to keep various parts of my life separated or that she hasn’t spoken to anyone about us. Okay, maybe not so much the latter. This was a two way deal though and there were things that I did to help bring that relationship to an end. Still, it was a surprise, and one more thing to deal with. And I will deal with it.

It would be so easy to see these changes as negative. Give up this, restrict that, deal with the other. To a degree I guess they are. After all, we are talking about removing things from my life. Do they need to be removed? Yes, absolutely. But its still removing something, and that carries such a negative connotation.

So what am I doing on the positive side? Spending a little more time in some simple hobbies. I’ve been getting the chance to do some photo work for others the past few weeks and that always brings it’s own rewards. I have also started reading again, and not just the technical, business or non-fiction stuff either. While walking I have been listening to various podcasts that I have been missing for some time (okay, they are tech oriented but hearing the excitement in their voices makes me feel better). I am also spending more time with family, and in particular, my grandson. He really has helped me out quite a bit and makes putting things into perspective a lot easier. It is going to be a difficult day when they move off as they have planned by June. At least they are only going to Oklahoma City for now so that isn’t too far.

There is so much to work on that it seems overwhelming. Reminding myself of those things is causing me to be short on breath and a little fearful. But just do a little at a time, and start on things that can bring an immediate effect or needs to be tended to right now. One thing at a time. After all, I do have a lifetime to work on it, it doesn’t have to be all done this week. Just work on things as best as I can.

Another Week, More Progress

Another week gone by and more progress is being made. Didn’t get everything accomplished by the end of the month at work like I wanted but it is close. Another week and that should do it. The thing that took up the most time this week was still dealing with all the new changes (and problems associated with) the software upgrade from two weeks ago. Most of that is finally wrapped up, although one major application is still a major fail. Hoping that will all be taken care of before the end of this week.

Got a message from J this evening. Everyone who is familiar with this story has already given me their opinions so there is no sense in bringing this up anymore. I suppose they are right, and in a way I agree. I just don’t like the idea of leaving her to her own either. A sucker for hopeless situations? Perhaps, and given what I have gone through with her before maybe even more so. At least this time around I don’t feel as helpless around her either. I’ll continue to help however I can but have no illusions of what could have been. Right now there is too much going on in my head to worry about that now anyway.

Friday evening was spent at Rumors only because of a benefit for another friend who is going through cancer treatments (and the costs associated with that). I have found that I have been needing the place less and less and would rather find something else to do rather than spend all weekend there. Not that I am going to totally quit, but once in awhile seems to be plenty enough. Besides, there are things to do during the day and I would rather not spend the weekend recovering from the night before.

Yeah, progress is being made. Wonder where I am going to turn up in the next few months. If change even takes that long.